Aerik Francis
_I Haven't Been Writing_
After Anne Boyer’s “Not Writing”
I haven’t been writing
about the pandemic
because it is still happening
Each morning of mourning...
I haven’t been writing the history
of these visions which are with me
all day & all of the night...
I haven’t been writing about sleep
-less nights flailing in bed
in painful anxious fits...
The considerations are all heavy...
I haven’t been writing about capitalism
watching it both fail & expand
watching it both starve & consume
Hating it just as much as I live it
still wondering if there is a way out...
I haven’t been writing about numbers–
I know each one is an individual
with a complex story; I am too
afraid of all the human arithmetic
operating on every order...
The sinister bigoted logic
of assault during contagion–
How systems all knot grotesque...
I haven’t been writing… How I watch
as curves flatten my kin,
kindred we cannot touch & grieve
from vast lengths away...
I haven’t been writing about the grief
of losing so many, so much,
the grieving & the wondering
if it will end or if it has even begun...
I haven’t been writing about numbness...
I haven’t been writing about the guilt
that I haven’t been writing - that I may not
survive to; that I may not survive, too…
Why am I so ashamed
of the stasis that keeps me,
that keeps me alive?
& what keeps me alive?
All I want is my own permission
to write or not write to live...
I’ve been holding my contradictions tenderly…
I know I haven’t been saying enough–
The world continues to alter daily
& it is overwhelming
seeing truly the divinity of change…
I haven’t been writing, yet,
about joy
persistent as ever–
Everything is still happening,
& for better, or for worse,
anything is still possible…
& here, here is joy–
woven among
sorrows…
I haven’t been writing
about the pandemic
because it is still happening
Each morning of mourning...
I haven’t been writing the history
of these visions which are with me
all day & all of the night...
I haven’t been writing about sleep
-less nights flailing in bed
in painful anxious fits...
The considerations are all heavy...
I haven’t been writing about capitalism
watching it both fail & expand
watching it both starve & consume
Hating it just as much as I live it
still wondering if there is a way out...
I haven’t been writing about numbers–
I know each one is an individual
with a complex story; I am too
afraid of all the human arithmetic
operating on every order...
The sinister bigoted logic
of assault during contagion–
How systems all knot grotesque...
I haven’t been writing… How I watch
as curves flatten my kin,
kindred we cannot touch & grieve
from vast lengths away...
I haven’t been writing about the grief
of losing so many, so much,
the grieving & the wondering
if it will end or if it has even begun...
I haven’t been writing about numbness...
I haven’t been writing about the guilt
that I haven’t been writing - that I may not
survive to; that I may not survive, too…
Why am I so ashamed
of the stasis that keeps me,
that keeps me alive?
& what keeps me alive?
All I want is my own permission
to write or not write to live...
I’ve been holding my contradictions tenderly…
I know I haven’t been saying enough–
The world continues to alter daily
& it is overwhelming
seeing truly the divinity of change…
I haven’t been writing, yet,
about joy
persistent as ever–
Everything is still happening,
& for better, or for worse,
anything is still possible…
& here, here is joy–
woven among
sorrows…
Biography
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Aerik Francis (they/he) is a Queer Black & Latinx poet based in Denver, Colorado, USA. Their debut chapbook BODYELECTRONIC was released April 2022 Trouble Department press. Find more of their work at phaentompoet.com or via social media @phaentompoet .
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