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Caitlin Miller

A favourite dress

                 a pattern emerges    amidst  
                       the thumbed  and faded photos   
       in more than one  you are wearing  the same dress     
             at birthdays   christenings    christmasses
        after and before    chemotherapy appointments      
                              final visits   
  the pattern is purple and pink  with a blink     
                     of aquamarine  
   reflecting your  iris       stringing     your pearls
                 the amethyst    
    is vital   as organs    and veins   against
             the roses      red bricks           the curtains
                candle light    I realise    I’ve learnt something
                     I never knew  
                        that this must have been
                    one of your favourite dresses
 I imagine you touching it    when it was brand new    
     holding its waist to the light    in a north London
          boutique       blue    rain         smearing the window    
                  you wore it  until the end     
        your     valiant     heart     warming the
                               soft  shield  of fabric  
           as it slipped to the floor  
                       becoming   nothing  without   you

Commentary

Caitlin on "A favourite dress":

The inspiration behind the poem came from sifting through some old photographs. I noticed that my Grandmother (my late father’s mother) was wearing the same dress in a few of the images. This discovery led to a visceral feeling of connection to her. Although essentially static and one dimensional, the photographs felt like they had become portals of recognition. Smells, sounds, abstract and concrete images streamed into my mind. The purples and pinks of the dress felt symbolic of her defiant vitality, femininity and the resilience she exhibited throughout her battle with cancer. I was instantly moved to capture this in a poem.
 
Initially, I wrote the poem in the form of a much longer prose poem. However, almost immediately, I began the process of crafting it into something more delicate and nuanced. Spacing and line breaks were used to heighten lyricism and shape the poem into a visual structure, which reflects the fragmented nature of grief and nostalgic memories.
 
The ending seeks to evoke the rawness and heartbreak of losing a loved one who can never be replaced, but I wanted the poem to also capture the beauty of happy family occasions and of my Grandmother’s ‘valiant heart’ and warmth. Ancestors and those we have lost live on in our hearts and minds: in the memories and images we cherish. Through writing this poem I discovered that sometimes we can draw strength and comfort from remembering the details of their everyday sensual existence. In noticing or remembering specificities, such as a favourite dress.
 
My Grandmother emigrated to England from Ireland to work as a nurse in the NHS. Her son (my deceased father) went on to work as a doctor, for the NHS also. In light of the global pandemic I would like to dedicate this poem to her, and to all NHS ( and health workers globally) past and present.
 
Thank you so much to the Kissing Dynamite team for featuring my work.

Biography

Picture
​Caitlin Miller (she/her) is a writer, editor and creative facilitator based in the UK, where she lives with her husband, dog and cat. She holds an MA in Creative Writing and is the co-editor/ founder of Irisi (irisi-magazine.org), a digital poetry, spoken word and art platform. She is currently a poetry tutor on an Arts Council England funded community arts project, which she co-founded. Previous publications include Tears in the fence, Ink Sweat & Tears, Under the Radar, Scriturra, Dust Poetry and on two coffee cup recycling bins in Oxford as part of Oxford city council’s ‘cups of inspiration’ creative project. Co-incidentally she loves both poetry and a good cup of coffee. Caitlin tweets at @_caitlinkat 
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