Crystal Cox
Cathexis
Honestly, I probably dream about your ex-girlfriend
more than you do.
Last night, after you kissed my lips into dry kernels,
I dreamt of her
emerging from my bathroom in nothing but a towel,
the steam plumping her
skin into supple imagination, the bottom of her asscheeks
poking out a little like mine.
Once, a friend of yours said I kind of look like her,
which isn’t really saying
much. I look like most white women who’ve learned
to wield an eyelash curler.
But, I’ll admit, ever since I keep wondering whether
she wears waterproof mascara
and if she has to toss a leg up the tub to shave her insides
or if when she texts you sweetie <3 it
makes your words hard. Once, you offered me her old makeup wipes,
and I refused. I wanted to exit
the shower looking like I’d earned battle wounds. But memories never cut,
they just smudge. Mirrors are worse,
they see me too much all at once or not at all. In the post-shower
blur, I could be her.
In my shut raccoon eyes, I could be anyone.
more than you do.
Last night, after you kissed my lips into dry kernels,
I dreamt of her
emerging from my bathroom in nothing but a towel,
the steam plumping her
skin into supple imagination, the bottom of her asscheeks
poking out a little like mine.
Once, a friend of yours said I kind of look like her,
which isn’t really saying
much. I look like most white women who’ve learned
to wield an eyelash curler.
But, I’ll admit, ever since I keep wondering whether
she wears waterproof mascara
and if she has to toss a leg up the tub to shave her insides
or if when she texts you sweetie <3 it
makes your words hard. Once, you offered me her old makeup wipes,
and I refused. I wanted to exit
the shower looking like I’d earned battle wounds. But memories never cut,
they just smudge. Mirrors are worse,
they see me too much all at once or not at all. In the post-shower
blur, I could be her.
In my shut raccoon eyes, I could be anyone.
Biography
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Crystal Cox is a MFA candidate at the University of Idaho and the managing editor for Fugue. She was a finalist for the 2021 Francine Ringold Award for New Writers, and her work is forthcoming in Nimrod. Originally from Missouri, she now lives in Idaho with her two guinea pigs and a bunch of half-dead houseplants.
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