Juliette van der Molen
i'm supposed to love you
i’m supposed to love you,
but my legs are thin under
the white hospital sheet,
and a belly i thought would
magically suck navel to spine
once more is a deflated sponge.
there are no cheers for me,
just quiet visits and hellos,
everyone’s happy that you
are well— ten fingers,
all your toes. i still can’t
make sense of you, outside
of me. eyes so wide beneath
a knitted cap they threaten
to swallow me whole. i
want to say i’m sorry now
because i don’t know, how
to be this thing— called
mother. my girlhood left
me, pushed it all out
with you, struggled until
my hands shook and molecules
quaked. i’m supposed to love
you, but i’m not sure how.
why all these tears?
does it happen like magic?
is that how it goes?
if so, i’m already
failing, and this will be a surprise
to no one.
but my legs are thin under
the white hospital sheet,
and a belly i thought would
magically suck navel to spine
once more is a deflated sponge.
there are no cheers for me,
just quiet visits and hellos,
everyone’s happy that you
are well— ten fingers,
all your toes. i still can’t
make sense of you, outside
of me. eyes so wide beneath
a knitted cap they threaten
to swallow me whole. i
want to say i’m sorry now
because i don’t know, how
to be this thing— called
mother. my girlhood left
me, pushed it all out
with you, struggled until
my hands shook and molecules
quaked. i’m supposed to love
you, but i’m not sure how.
why all these tears?
does it happen like magic?
is that how it goes?
if so, i’m already
failing, and this will be a surprise
to no one.
Biography
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Juliette van der Molen is a writer and poet living in the Greater NYC area. She is an intersectional feminist and a member of the LGBTQIA community. She is a contributing editor for Mookychick Magazine and author of Death Library: The Exquisite Corpse Collection (Moonchild Magazine, August 2018). Her work has also appeared in Anti-Heroin Chic, Burning House Press, Memoir Mixtapes, Collective Unrest and several other publications. Forthcoming books include: Mother, May I? (Animal Heart Press, May 2019) and Anatomy of A Dress (Hedgehog Poetry Press, 2019). You can connect with her on Twitter via @j_vandermolen.
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