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Paxton Grey

The Drake Equation

                    N  =  R* .  fp . ne . fl  . fi . fc . L  where:
 
N = the number of Milky Way galaxy civilizations already capable of communicating across interplanetary space
 
                  where is everybody
 
R* = the average rate of star formation in our galaxy
 
                  it all starts out with the big bang / god
                  spits us out / then her saliva coalesces.
                  is it a sign of disrespect? / is it a sign at all?
                  a never-ending chain / who created that?
                  until i brush against my smallness / looming
 
fp = the fraction of those stars that have planets
 
                  when i learned i was stardust / i did not shimmer.
                  i roiled inside / black holes are collapsed stars.
                  i found something dark / i fell into something dark
 
ne = the average number of planets that can potentially support life
 
                  i sunburn / i moonbathe / i stumble
                  drunk barefoot / under stars humming
                  then i pass out /  i have nightmares:
                  the nights without dreams / the blankness.
                  i cannot hear the stars humming at me
                  beautiful nothing /
 
fl = the fraction of planets that actually support life
 
                  twice i discovered / i am an accident
                  animated / an accident personified.
                  i've been a would-be god / frightened
                  buying a pregnancy test / who created that?
                  some godling wringing / holy hands / then
                  coalescence stirs / into consciousness.
                  into being / so afraid / to live / to die
 
fi = the fraction of planets with life that evolves to become intelligent life (civilizations)
 
                  some days i still feel / primordial.
                  i veil it / drive my car / type my code
                  but i am warm inside / sloshing adolescent,
                  a science experiment / gone right or wrong.
                  just gone / hypotheses forgotten
 
fc = the fraction of civilizations that develop a technology to broadcast detectable signs of their existence into space
 
                  i watch documentaries / sagan first told me
                  i am stardust / spoke it from the tv
                  as if he was not dead / but he was
                  as dead as the afterimage / light waves
                  emitted eons ago / dotting the night sky
 
L = the length of time over which such civilizations broadcast detectable signals into space
 
                  the tv broke / when my cousin sprayed it
                  with windex / we've made clocks & better clocks
                  but none will tell me / how much time is mine

Biography

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Paxton Grey (he/they) is a non-binary software developer living in Virginia. His work has been published or is forthcoming in Sundog Lit, Glass: A Journal of Poetry, Pithead Chapel, Empty Mirror, and elsewhere.  Find Paxton on Twitter: @PaxWrites and on the web at http://bailey-grey.com/index.html
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