Paxton Grey
The Drake Equation
N = R* . fp . ne . fl . fi . fc . L where:
N = the number of Milky Way galaxy civilizations already capable of communicating across interplanetary space
where is everybody
R* = the average rate of star formation in our galaxy
it all starts out with the big bang / god
spits us out / then her saliva coalesces.
is it a sign of disrespect? / is it a sign at all?
a never-ending chain / who created that?
until i brush against my smallness / looming
fp = the fraction of those stars that have planets
when i learned i was stardust / i did not shimmer.
i roiled inside / black holes are collapsed stars.
i found something dark / i fell into something dark
ne = the average number of planets that can potentially support life
i sunburn / i moonbathe / i stumble
drunk barefoot / under stars humming
then i pass out / i have nightmares:
the nights without dreams / the blankness.
i cannot hear the stars humming at me
beautiful nothing /
fl = the fraction of planets that actually support life
twice i discovered / i am an accident
animated / an accident personified.
i've been a would-be god / frightened
buying a pregnancy test / who created that?
some godling wringing / holy hands / then
coalescence stirs / into consciousness.
into being / so afraid / to live / to die
fi = the fraction of planets with life that evolves to become intelligent life (civilizations)
some days i still feel / primordial.
i veil it / drive my car / type my code
but i am warm inside / sloshing adolescent,
a science experiment / gone right or wrong.
just gone / hypotheses forgotten
fc = the fraction of civilizations that develop a technology to broadcast detectable signs of their existence into space
i watch documentaries / sagan first told me
i am stardust / spoke it from the tv
as if he was not dead / but he was
as dead as the afterimage / light waves
emitted eons ago / dotting the night sky
L = the length of time over which such civilizations broadcast detectable signals into space
the tv broke / when my cousin sprayed it
with windex / we've made clocks & better clocks
but none will tell me / how much time is mine
N = the number of Milky Way galaxy civilizations already capable of communicating across interplanetary space
where is everybody
R* = the average rate of star formation in our galaxy
it all starts out with the big bang / god
spits us out / then her saliva coalesces.
is it a sign of disrespect? / is it a sign at all?
a never-ending chain / who created that?
until i brush against my smallness / looming
fp = the fraction of those stars that have planets
when i learned i was stardust / i did not shimmer.
i roiled inside / black holes are collapsed stars.
i found something dark / i fell into something dark
ne = the average number of planets that can potentially support life
i sunburn / i moonbathe / i stumble
drunk barefoot / under stars humming
then i pass out / i have nightmares:
the nights without dreams / the blankness.
i cannot hear the stars humming at me
beautiful nothing /
fl = the fraction of planets that actually support life
twice i discovered / i am an accident
animated / an accident personified.
i've been a would-be god / frightened
buying a pregnancy test / who created that?
some godling wringing / holy hands / then
coalescence stirs / into consciousness.
into being / so afraid / to live / to die
fi = the fraction of planets with life that evolves to become intelligent life (civilizations)
some days i still feel / primordial.
i veil it / drive my car / type my code
but i am warm inside / sloshing adolescent,
a science experiment / gone right or wrong.
just gone / hypotheses forgotten
fc = the fraction of civilizations that develop a technology to broadcast detectable signs of their existence into space
i watch documentaries / sagan first told me
i am stardust / spoke it from the tv
as if he was not dead / but he was
as dead as the afterimage / light waves
emitted eons ago / dotting the night sky
L = the length of time over which such civilizations broadcast detectable signals into space
the tv broke / when my cousin sprayed it
with windex / we've made clocks & better clocks
but none will tell me / how much time is mine
Biography
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Paxton Grey (he/they) is a non-binary software developer living in Virginia. His work has been published or is forthcoming in Sundog Lit, Glass: A Journal of Poetry, Pithead Chapel, Empty Mirror, and elsewhere. Find Paxton on Twitter: @PaxWrites and on the web at http://bailey-grey.com/index.html
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