Shannon Frost Greenstein
Relapse
Thin/I’ve missed you/sacrifice due
Empowered/unshowered/depression/dark hue.
Control/a drug/an addiction to less
The number drops lower and my life’s a mess.
Numb, cold, bloody, awake and wired/
Isolate/avoid/I’m so fucking tired.
Old habits/destruction/descent into Hell
Starvation/damnation/I never feel well.
I watch with no interest as things fall apart,
desire for bone that might stop my heart/
Diet Coke, coffee, grit and willpower,
slow suicide/angst/there goes the Dark Tower
My family is watching/unable to help me/
a secret I hide/so my young children don’t see
until a time comes when they’re watching and learning/and I will have screwed them despite my yearning
to break the cycle of low self-esteem/to be a mother/come straight from a dream.
Each day/a trudge/a race like Pheidippides’/
no drive/to survive/in such matters as these;
Darwin so quiet as I waste away/
where is my urge to live today?
For them, though, I fight/
a reverse siege/
food I don’t want
and helpless pleas
to end the torment of never enough
and learn how to cope when things get rough
Take Pills and be mindful and do self-affirmation/
Parent and live and avoid desperation
when flesh seems to grow and thin disappears/
It’s ok to mourn when you can’t stop the tears
Because maybe/in time/I will learn not to hate
All that is in me which I always rate/
Sub-par and weak and a source of disgust/
maybe/in time/I will learn to trust
My husband, the children, the mirror and thus/
return to the haven of love which is us.
A family. A unit. A tribe. My heart.
And I soon hope to have the courage to start
to begin the fight which brings me back to me/ as I try to find recovery.
Again.
Empowered/unshowered/depression/dark hue.
Control/a drug/an addiction to less
The number drops lower and my life’s a mess.
Numb, cold, bloody, awake and wired/
Isolate/avoid/I’m so fucking tired.
Old habits/destruction/descent into Hell
Starvation/damnation/I never feel well.
I watch with no interest as things fall apart,
desire for bone that might stop my heart/
Diet Coke, coffee, grit and willpower,
slow suicide/angst/there goes the Dark Tower
My family is watching/unable to help me/
a secret I hide/so my young children don’t see
until a time comes when they’re watching and learning/and I will have screwed them despite my yearning
to break the cycle of low self-esteem/to be a mother/come straight from a dream.
Each day/a trudge/a race like Pheidippides’/
no drive/to survive/in such matters as these;
Darwin so quiet as I waste away/
where is my urge to live today?
For them, though, I fight/
a reverse siege/
food I don’t want
and helpless pleas
to end the torment of never enough
and learn how to cope when things get rough
Take Pills and be mindful and do self-affirmation/
Parent and live and avoid desperation
when flesh seems to grow and thin disappears/
It’s ok to mourn when you can’t stop the tears
Because maybe/in time/I will learn not to hate
All that is in me which I always rate/
Sub-par and weak and a source of disgust/
maybe/in time/I will learn to trust
My husband, the children, the mirror and thus/
return to the haven of love which is us.
A family. A unit. A tribe. My heart.
And I soon hope to have the courage to start
to begin the fight which brings me back to me/ as I try to find recovery.
Again.
Biography
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Shannon Frost Greenstein resides in Philadelphia with her children, soulmate, and persnickety cats. She is a Pushcart Prize and Best of the Net nominee, a Contributing Editor for Barren Magazine, and a former Ph.D. candidate in Continental Philosophy. Shannon was awarded a writing residency through Sundress Academy for the Arts in October 2019. Her work has appeared in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Crab Fat Magazine, Chaleur Magazine, Bone & Ink Lit Zine, Rhythm & Bones Lit Mag, Kissing Dynamite Poetry, Spelk Fiction, and elsewhere. Follow her on Twitter at @mrsgreenstein or her website: shannonfrostgreenstein.wordpress.com. She comes up when you Google her.
facebook.com/shannongreenstein twitter.com/mrsgreenstein instagram.com/zarathustra_speaks shannonfrostgreenstein.wordpress.com |
